I AM A FRIEND. I care a (fucking) lot & other random thoughts

Well it’s another Sunday afternoon, I’m sitting in front of my laptop with an empty cup of coffee by my side thinking about random, yeah random stuff, like friendship, relationships, social media, family, values, job, university, graduation project, lifestyles…

I certainly don’t understand how friendship works, you happen to meet someone just for a meeting in China and you instantly click, establishing a bond that overcomes time zones and distance, an special bond, a magic one… That kind of relations that keep pushing you forward, that keep motivating you miles and miles away, whilst on the other hand you can have heaps of people within 51 100 km2 that never manage to have time to (skype) meet.

It’s a fact that I care a fucking lot about people, not in a sick/stalker way, but I do it because well we all have issues, one way or another we all struggle in life, on a daily basis… Might be emotionally exhausting and useless to care if people to care but that won’t stop me from do it, because maybe, and just maybe, I might be the one person sending good vibes to that soul… and who knows, maybe and just maybe, good karma pays off (not that I am looking for anything in return)

In that same line (caring/values/friendship/family) is that I can´t really keep up with the (from my shoes, not so positive) changes social media has generated in the way we relate. And if you have read my Honest Mess post before, then you might be aware of my social experiments, trying to at least get some clues.

Can somebody explain me what happened to friendship, why is it way much more easier to get a loan than to get a friend?  I am sure it is not an isolated issue happening to me and I am asking about friendship exclusively because, I consider it the start line for any other kind of bond, as friends eventually become the family you mutually choose to walk (maybe part of) the journey.   I wish I could gather my friends from around the world and hug them so tight that their ribs become powder…

A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

“A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.”

Gosh I wish the words for my master project would flow this easily…


What really matters… to me!

It has been over 2 months since the last time in posted something here, and the reasons are clear: I have been busy as hell!!!  And well besides the two final projects I have been working on lately, there has been lots of procrastination (I don’t really get why something so necessary has such a pejorative connotation)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking (don’t worry no terrorist attacks yet) and also doing some observations. Honestly I am not able to understand how people can go out/date with such a frequency and high rotation.  I mean it obviously demands time and the point is ok I understand most people don’t like the fact of being alone BUT, let’s be honest about the superficial and materialist way relationships are now won’t make you feel any less lonely.  The only difference is that I guess you have someone to share your loneliness with.

I reckon we all know someone who has not been single for the last  5 years and has been having relationships that last no longer than  8 months (pure observation).  So that jumping from relationship to relationship makes people even lonelier or get into miserable unhealthy relationships.

Even thought we are certainly clueless about the “right” person, pretty much of the time we know when that person facing us is not what we want neither need in our lives.  I am sure getting to know yourself deeper is key as it will help you determine within one hour to say if that person fits you.

Boyfriends, girlsfriends, the person I am dating… all those labels are for kids and teens because as adult we need partners, to join us on this amazing trip around the fun.  Only a partner will be there in the worst times, even when friends are busy, those times when life wants to test how much you can take.  And yeah happiness/misery, success/failure relay on us but we should look for a partner as someone who cares about it and share with us the joy and sometimes the tears as well.

Open Road

What really matters to me, is my happiness and it feels amazing when there’s someone cheering up for you, even without noticing they are doing it, sometimes with just simple words, refreshing as a polar breeze…

I feared . . .

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself.
I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don’t try.
I feared success until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy
with myself.
I feared people’s opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.
I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself.
I feared pain until I learned that it’s necessary for growth.
I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies.
I feared life until I experienced its beauty.
I feared death until I realized that it’s not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny, until I realized that I had the power to change
my life.
I feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance.
I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade
into endless sunny days
I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself.
I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better.
I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight.
I feared the light until I learned that the truth would give me strength.
I feared change, until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly
had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.

  • And ….. AFTER A WHILE…..
  • ….you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
  • And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving that company doesn’t mean security.
  • And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises;
  • And you begin to accept your defeats
    with your head held up and you eyes opened,
    with the grace of an adult,
    not the grief of a child
  • And you learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans.
  • After awhile, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much;
  • So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers;
  • And you learn that you really can endure…that you really are strong and you have worth.

Espero que te caigas.

Espero que te caigas.

Que te caigas mil veces y te levantes siempre una más.

Que te partas todos y cada uno de los huesos de tu cuerpo derrapando en este deporte de riesgo que llamamos vida. Y que merezca la pena. Espero que lo hagas y que quede claro que somos piedras que se pulen a golpes bajo la atenta mirada de quienes creen que en una de estas se romperán. Pero no se rompen. Espero que nada consiga partirte en dos.

Espero que recuperes tus pulsaciones y ganes el pulso otra vez. Que aprietes los dientes y le digas al mundo de reojo que sólo sabes caminar hacia delante y que si caminas hacia atrás es solo para recordarte que en peores plazas has toreado. Que aquí hemos venido a jugar. Que juegues. Que las cosas más fuertes son las que nacen en la adversidad.

Espero que saltes. Sí, que saltes desde la decimotercera planta de ese edificio llamado pánico a reconocer que te gusta. Que te den la vuelta a las cartas, que pierdas la partida, que ganes la jugada. Que te pillen el farol. Que te cambien las fichas por amaneceres que algún día contarás. Que merezca la pena.


Espero que te enamores. Y que duela. Que te enamores de esa clase de personas con complejo de lanzadera. De las que te hacen perder el vértigo a cambio de las vistas. Espero que le preguntes a las noches donde está ella y que no te sepan responder. Que no puedas dormir. Que salgas a buscarla. Que la encuentres. Que merezca la pena.

Espero que te pierdas. Que te pierdas en medio de un montón de personas a las que ni por casualidad hubieses imaginado conocer. Espero que dirigirles la palabra sea la única manera que tengas de salir de allí. Espero que salgas. Espero que encuentres a un amigo de verdad. Que lo conserves. Que merezca la pena.

Espero que llores. Que llores hasta salirte de ti mismo y los ejes de la tierra se den la vuelta. Espero que tu mundo se vuelque y que, una vez patas arriba, seas capaz de aprender a vivir boca abajo. Que boca abajo de repente signifique del derecho otra vez.


Espero que se te cierren las puertas. Todas y cada una de las que un día estuvieron abiertas en forma de probabilidad. Que tengas que elegir. Que encuentres la manera de abrir las ventanas y comprendas que la luz que entra en nuestras vidas no es sino aquella que nosotros dejamos que entre. Que vivir en la oscuridad nunca ciega, pero tampoco deja ver.

Espero que mires hacia arriba. Creyendo o sin creer. Que mires hacia arriba y des las gracias. Gracias por ti. Gracias por ellos. Gracias por todo. Gracias. Siempre gracias.

Espero que te vuelvas loco. Que encuentres eso que te mantenga despierto, que no te deje dormir hasta que no esté terminado. Que lo termines. Que sea tuyo. Que lo compartas. Que merezca la pena.

Espero que tires la toalla. Que te acorralen contra las cuerdas y por un momento pienses que nada puede ir peor. Espero que ese momento sea eso, un momento. Que seas tú y solo tú quien decida cuanto dura. Que te gires, que des la cara, que sigas peleando. Siempre peleando. Que siempre tengas un motivo por el que pelear. Que merezca la pena.

Espero que sigas yendo a ese bar. Que siempre tengas algo que contar. Que tengas algo por lo que brindar y que no te falte quien te recuerde que los que se han ido ya no están pero que los que se quedan, se quedan por algo. Espero que siempre tengas a alguien que te diga la verdad. Aunque duela.

Espero que te digan adiós. Y que lo digas tú también, queriendo y sin querer.

Espero que te equivoques tantas veces como puedas. Que puedas pedir perdón por ello otras tantas. Que te perdonen. Que siempre vuelvas a casa con una lección aprendida y la paz de quien sabe que el orgullo destruye más que crea y aleja más que acerca. Que te acerques. Que merezca la pena.

Espero que te rompan el corazón. En trozos muy pequeños. Tan pequeños que ni siquiera parezcan trozos. Tan pequeños que se confundan con el polvo. Espero que te agaches. Que los recojas. Que los vuelvas a encajar en lugares que jamás imaginaste que existirían dentro de ti. Espero que te sacudas las telarañas y los tengas donde hay que tenerlos para volver a hacer eso que todos necesitamos hacer tarde o temprano, confiar.

Espero que vivas.

Que sobrevivas.

Y que merezca la pena.


The Mata Hari/no longer a feminist Trip


December 28th means New Year’s Eve for me as December 29th, 2013 was the day I flew (or start the trip) to KL.  So, here a bunch of stuff, sort of recap from the last 365 days that I preffer to call trip because it is a trip around the Sun (maybe too much personal info but, that’s me, a Candy Cane Honest Mess)

The title, Mata Hari, was the funniest thing I was called this year (and have ever been called) by friend that I deeply appreciate, I guess I am good at getting info… And no I can longer consider myself a feminist as thinking of feminine and masculine reduces the scope to a binary conception, and I certainly no longer feel comfy with that as it excludes queer/third gender people and let’s face it feminine/masculine is just too old school limiting labeling … just access to equal rights for all.

It was the best year of my life (so far), I feel thankful and blessed because of the magic this year has brought into The Candy Cane Album V. 2014, for those wondering where does the Candy Cane comes from well, it is quite simple actually: sweet & a bit twisted so I guess that makes me a Candy Cane, even thought I my comments/opinions were considered insulting (not apolizing if you can’t handle me, just don’t read me, that simple)

The year started mmm a bit shocking for someone at that time calling herself a feminist, to wake up in a mostly muslim country and start a life from scratch but that’s me, accepting challenges I am not even aware of. Malaysia show me afterwards what a diverse country means and I ended up loving it.

After trying Jalan Alor food, kimchee in Gwangju was nothing… SE Asia food just confirmed the fact that I can’t live without good coffee and cheese, but also that there is no better water that the one that comes from the tub at my mom’s house, which is sort of funny considering that the house is in the slope of a volcano.

Hà Nội, the worst landing I can recall, it is no longer funny to look at a thunder storm from the plane when it has been taxiing for over an hour and the pilot and crew remain in silence for more than 30 minutes… BUT mission accomplished: non-sport/work/study related trip in 14 years.

Coming back home was not easy, as I was leaving in KL some amazing friends that I really love but I knew I was going to be ther for a short term so it was more like a Chronicle of a Death Foretold… and distance taught be some priceless life lessons, as I wrote in What happens in KL.   After waiting for a delayed aircraft in CDG, trying to talk to the most arrogant french (CDG Staff) I swore I would never go back to Paris but there where some different planes for me.

MBA thesis is still a pending issue… maybe I’ll get it done this new year, maybe not, not putting more pressure on it as I know I have given my best.

Posgrad opportunity came up and there was me flying to London and well, about a decade ago I asked my fairy godmother for it, as a way of that I would go a visit the Chapelle Notre Dame de la Medaille Miraculeuse so I had to change my mind and pay a courtesy call to my friends Gioconda and St. John the Baptist as well, at the Louvre, since Leo has asked me to


2014 has been a year of spiritual growth and enlightenment, and thanks to some amazing angels (that I normally like to call friends) I have reset my list of priorities and one I have my own definition of success, the best of it, is that nothing is written in stone.

Keep the journey… Why not? when I am having this man (my partner in crime…) singing me the Un-Birthday song every single time we meet.


The so called “real men”

(It has been two months since the last time I posted something here… )

It’s a pity that men and women still grow up and believe these “10 Commandments”:

  • Thou shalt not be weak, nor have weak dogs before thee.
  • Thou shalt not fail thyself, nor fail as thy father did before thee.
  • Thou shalt not keep holy any day that denies they work.
  • Thou shalt not express strong emotions, neither high nor low.
  • Thou shalt not cry, complain, or ask for help.
  • Thou shalt not be hostile or angry, especially towards loved ones, unless they provoke you and you are then duty bound to defend your honor
  • Thou shalt not be uncertain or ambivalent.
  • Thou shalt not be dependent.
  • Thou shalt not acknowledge thy death or thy limitations.
  • Thou shalt do unto other men before they do unto you.

Truth is emotional men with chihuahuas (or any “weak dog”), that criy and ask for help, careless about their “honor” and “manhood”, that make mistakes, that are uncertain and ambivalent but aware of their weakness and limitations. That is the kind of people (deliberately not using the word men in here) that society needs.


My 24-hours Tinder Project


Tinderella is a lovely sarcasm to call my projects with this particular app.  I have been craving about this entry the whole week but academic stuff has been keeping me busy as usual.  I do crazy things on various social networks all the time, to find loopholes and tricks. Some people call it “gaming the system,” I call it experimenting.  Initial feeling about being too superficial and mean vanish away as soon as you realize people is “selling” themselves just my photos, sort of if you enter the gain don’t complain about it

This time the social experiment  that was carry on last Sunday (Oct 19th) included me as well: wanted to hack Tinder and become the “hottest match of the day” which evidently I couldn’t.  Up to 161 km, 18 to 61 years old, men and women, what was a lot of time wasted just swiping right (fun fact swiped right a former elementary school classmate, had to apologize ASAP).

Got over 400 matches during those 24 hours so I had to delete my account an open a new one, because let’s admit it not only ordinary people is using it  and with the premium version to be launch in next month it might become actually useful… Because Jswipe are taking too long in launching the Android version and no way I am using an iPhone…

Once again the stereotypes came up: yes I am Costa Rican, not all latinas are married at age 26, neither looking for THE guy… and yes I can speak more than two languages, not only brazilians speak portuguese neither italians italian…

Anyway, this time “matches” were funny but still not satisfying my curiosity about changes in the ways we related.  On one side this time, as the “discovery preferences” were way broader I happen to find people that actually that online dating seriously and are not so insistent on the useless point of meeting you face-to-face ASAP.

  • Local “celebs” use Tinder! Found a national stand up comedian (Media Docena) but he didn’t swipe me right, no so funny after all LOL.
  • The pick up lines are just… nauseous, I mean do guys seriously think lines like mami, mamacita, babe, sweet babe, very gorgeous (is that even possible) will work? Or is it because the virtual interface works as shyness lub?  But talking about nausea: old school me was offered to join an eiffel (yeah had to Google) and 3,2,1 UNMATCHED dude.
  • Don’t really get why people have empty bios
  • Most men said a friend installed the app for them
  • There is really nice shy people out there, give Tinder a chance

And while I think off my next Tinder project, enjoy some of the hilarious messages I got

Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-07-56 Screenshot_2014-10-20-15-55-13 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-08-18 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-14-01 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-13-19 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-06-36 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-13-00 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-16-20 Screenshot_2014-10-21-23-04-35 Screenshot_2014-10-20-16-07-05